When one door closes…

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Every time I write I feel like I’m world’s away from the last time. So much has been going on. I kept talking about being more open and allowing new things to come into my life including new friends and relationships. Well, they did! I’ve made some really excellent new friends over the past few weeks and I’m meeting them by doing things I love. I feel really encouraged to write and be creative because those surrounding me are sounding off ideas and getting the creative energy going so that I’m knee deep in it all and ohhh how I’ve missed creativity in my life! It makes me feel like I’m allowing myself to be who I really am. How ironic that it’s been so tough for me to just be me? I all too readily accepted the thoughts and opinions of others because I thought they probably knew best about the direction I should be heading and my mind became a jumbled catalogue of opinions and suggestions that were all mixed in with my own. By doing so, not only did I drown out my own voice but I also gave away my power.

My recent power take-back has led to some pretty significant changes. I’m writing again. Okay I haven’t been great about posting on here but I’ve been writing what I hope turns into a novel. This, at least should prove to me that I can develop plot and characters and the like and make it into something worthy of self fulfillment. It’s a dream I’ve been chasing after for a long time. I have the half-filled notebooks lining my bookshelves to prove it.

I’ve also been dabbling in the relationship game. It wasn’t a fully functional attempt, but I think maybe it opened my heart a little. It got the old feelings stirred up and that is something I’ve hid behind walls for so long I felt like I was living in a fortress of my own construction. It’s easy to give the illusion you’re letting someone get close while you hold them safely at arm’s length. I’ve been doing it for three years and no love interest has ever noticed the difference until now. Nobody has so blatantly called me out on my affinity for deflection until now. He, gloriously and with resolve said to me: “How do you expect me to get to know you if you won’t put down the damn walls? At least call off the dogs and lower them a little so I can hop over will you?”.  And I did. Just like that.

The next of the big changes has come in the form of employment. My company has been in the process of coordinating a move for a while now and it forced me to make some decisions. Thank goodness because even I was irritating me with my cruelly indecisive ways. I went through a rigorous interview process with a company in Toronto. It was the scariest, most exhilarating process I think I’ve ever been through. Driving home from the final interview I told myself there was nooo way I had this. I felt unconfident and just generally full of doubt that I could possibly be what they’re looking for. I decided somewhere along the longest ride home of my life (Ew Toronto rush hour traffic) that I was going to free myself of all that. I am the only one all up in this mind of mine and I get to decide what’s in there. I was honest in my interviews and I was myself. I know what I’m capable of and I put it on display. I gave myself permission to shine a little. I decided in that moment, as I sat in park on the highway, that if I was really meant to have the new job and the new life in Toronto- it would be mine. If not, it meant something else was in store. I allowed myself to be totally at peace with letting it go and no word of a lie, within minutes of letting go and letting it be my phone rang. It was the company I’d interviewed with following up to say they were very pleased with me and would be moving forward and making an offer. I start October 9th. Next stop- Toronto.

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