Every Moment Counts

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2016 has been a hard year. That’s not news. Personally for me, it’s been a pretty big year of firsts and with that of growth and sometimes pain. I’ve lost my way a bunch, found it, then lost it again. I’ve cried a lot of tears and I’ve learned what it is to walk beside someone else in life and share the heavy burdens of everyday. I’ve discovered that when I suffer, he suffers too and I’ve discovered that when I feel joy- likewise so does he.

It took me a long while to understand that when I live my life with someone else, it impacts them too. I think sometimes we all somehow believe we don’t have the impact we think on one another. Random encounters with strangers can have impact on their lives good and bad and of course so does the impact sit with those we live with day-to-day. We all leave an impression on one another- a residue of our energy that stays on long after we’ve gone.

I’ve thought about this through the tragic and sudden death of a young friend this year. He was kind. He lived his life in a way that shone light on others. He smiled the biggest, hugged the tightest, laughed the loudest. He had so much joy about him that in his absence, I think it’s still here. His happiness was so big you couldn’t be in his presence and not be touched by it. Isn’t that how we should all live our lives? He only got 30 years here but I think he’d figured out the secret to a full life no matter how short the years. He was present and he felt so much joy I can’t think of him without smiling.

This year has been a tough one but if I have learned anything, it has been the importance of living in joy and in being true to me. I feel like I’ve strayed from that this year more so than ever. I’ve wandered off the trail in search of happiness for others. I’ve tried to be different so I don’t upset those around me and ultimately I think it is the thing that takes me the furthest from my writing and my ability to stay in touch with who I am. The desire to make others happy is something that weighs on my mind often. Sometimes it’s like a tidal wave that takes away every true perception I have of who I am until I have no voice. Without a voice, I have no opportunity to be great in this life and I think it is the realness of this that overwhelms me most.

It’s not about the year or the circumstances within it, it’s about being true every second, making the most of the time we have, not letting life slip away. It’s about hugging one another tight when we have the chance, taking quiet moments for ourselves, being gentle with others and with ourselves always. It’s also about knowing that each and every one of us has a purpose and it is to be great in the little moments we have everyday to shine.

My friend was not famous- he didn’t invent anything to change the world and my children won’t read about him in history books. He joked a lot, laughed a lot, hugged a lot, and loved a lot. He taught me that every moment counts. My only regret this year is that I’ve wasted too many on sadness. I’ve wasted too many moments in my own head spinning wheels that make the pain of not feeling enough more real.

I’ve convinced myself that I am small when I have every opportunity to be more.

I hesitated to write this because it’s been painful but I’m taking the moments back and turning them into something I can use to be better, stronger and more resilient because truly, every moment counts.

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Faded To Grey

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Today is one of those days I felt I needed to write but I couldn’t figure out how to get anything down without it reading like defeat.

It feels like defeat and it echoes like defeat in my head but the one place I couldn’t stand it to look that way is in my writing.

It’s funny that writing sometimes brings me that perspective. It’s like a birds-eye-view of my thoughts.

Today though, it hasn’t changed them and I find myself unable to edit out the truth. It’s one of those tidal-wave-of-raw-emotion kind of days that feel like drowning no matter what.

It’s one of those dark chaotic days that feel fragmented. How is it possible to give to everyone else when you feel broken? How is it possible to pretend none of it seeps into the center and cracks you from the inside when it’s digging so deep?

People can be so cruelly unaware of the way they hurt that it’s like a sledgehammer swung loose without direction. I want to believe they have no idea. I want to believe their cruelty is catapulted from a place of innocence and escalated by happenstance.

Do I swing back or let it hit me? Do I cry out in pain or keep my emotions to myself?

It’s all just as it is; A vast mouth of supple emptiness.

It’s all coloured and I’m faded to grey.

I’m curled defensively beneath the guise of protective cover.

Hoping, Wishing, Yearning- For better days.

Everything Is Not As It Seems

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I’ve been dwelling, lately, on thoughts surrounding the life and death of Robin Williams. I’ve been thinking of how he represents, in so many ways, the truth behind the notion that everything is not as it seems and that he exemplifies the scary truth behind depression.

Depression is this crazy, cancerous, ruinous disease that spreads silently and viciously. If untreated, it works its way into every part of a person’s life until there’s nothing left but solitude and depressive thoughts. 

It is the enemy to hope and perseverance. 

It is the brutal price we sometimes pay for giving away too much of our own energy to make others happy.

It is the terrible consequence of never feeling enough.robin-williams

It is riotous and numbing and dark.

It’s a vast and quiet ocean of lost. 

It is the reason souls lose their glow, eyes lose their shine and hearts lose their swell. 

It is the silent killer that preys often on the person at the center of the room. 

It is the thief of colour and joy and wonder and light. 

And at the center of it, it is the insufferable mountain of grief that is absolutely exhausting and most terrifyingly not always visible. It is a mental illness.

**If you or anyone you know can relate to these feelings, please reach out and talk to someone.**