Aching hollowed flutter
On the edge of joyful remoteness.
The pleasure cruise of a dream world full of connection.
Just at its wings,
Newness fading into familiarity.
Light peaking over the ridge of truth,
And washing away the stillness.
Washing away the ‘us’ that never was.
Beneath a faulty cloud of tenderness.
Sewn together by wounded thread and pricks of bitter disarray.
Before one another under a crescent of flighty jumbled words.
Synthetic laughter tainting the pleasure of happenstance.
Loneliness a size too big for perfection.
Thumping along to the beat
Of a heart cracked wide open.
The centrepiece in a world full of ruined plenty,
And carefully, shaken faith.
Today is one of those days I felt I needed to write but I couldn’t figure out how to get anything down without it reading like defeat.
It feels like defeat and it echoes like defeat in my head but the one place I couldn’t stand it to look that way is in my writing.
It’s funny that writing sometimes brings me that perspective. It’s like a birds-eye-view of my thoughts.
Today though, it hasn’t changed them and I find myself unable to edit out the truth. It’s one of those tidal-wave-of-raw-emotion kind of days that feel like drowning no matter what.
It’s one of those dark chaotic days that feel fragmented. How is it possible to give to everyone else when you feel broken? How is it possible to pretend none of it seeps into the center and cracks you from the inside when it’s digging so deep?
People can be so cruelly unaware of the way they hurt that it’s like a sledgehammer swung loose without direction. I want to believe they have no idea. I want to believe their cruelty is catapulted from a place of innocence and escalated by happenstance.
Do I swing back or let it hit me? Do I cry out in pain or keep my emotions to myself?
It’s all just as it is; A vast mouth of supple emptiness.
It’s all coloured and I’m faded to grey.
I’m curled defensively beneath the guise of protective cover.
Hoping, Wishing, Yearning- For better days.