A few years ago I was clicking through one of those discount sites at random when I came across some kind of majestic celestial reading. It sounded intriguing. For $10 I could get direction in my life, it said. For $10 I could know the future. Naturally I clicked purchase.
When I arrived for my reading I was on high alert. I expected spooky. I expected a smoke machine with some kind of Stevie Nicks-wannabe lurking in the shadows beckoning to me with long fingernails. Instead I found a quaint little house with a discreetly placed sign that said “CARD READINGS” and a bohemian-looking woman with incense burning on a table in the back who greeted me with a deck of cards in her hand and an easy smile.
We sat down and she began shuffling casually and listing off the steps we’d be following throughout the process. I had no idea what to expect from the actual reading. I was going for “the man of your dreams looks like Taylor Kitsch and you’ll fall in love when you work together publishing your first book”. A girl can dream right?
It wasn’t quite so specific, but I do remember that writing was a key component. The first card I drew from the deck had to do with writing as my creative expression of choice and the importance of that in my life to ensure fulfillment, peace and happiness. kumbaya.
The next part was about learning to trust the universe. In the interest of full disclosure- I started looking around for the smoke machine, crystal ball and witchy woman about this time. Trusting the universe? ohhhhkay. She went on to explain that too often we get pulled left and right into the jobs, the obligations, the responsibilities that we think we’re supposed to have because we feel we have to, but also because we don’t trust our instincts (and the universe) enough to go against them. Ie. Maybe the great job that pays loads doesn’t feel so great really, because it doesn’t allow for creative expression or a true sense of fulfillment, but dammmnnn check out the new Bentley. OR maybe the new gorgeous love interest you’ve been on four dates with seems flawless in every way, except that they don’t really get your weird aversion to Alf or your love for gently used furniture and antique hunting like you’re guest starring on Canadian Pickers.
I’m paraphrasing…she didn’t really say all that, but the universe thing and jobs, obligations, responsibilities thing, she did. She told me that when I start to relax and just listen to the universe it would all fall into place and start to make sense, but the more I fight it in my life, the less it would.
I think it is one of the hardest things in the world to live in a fulfilling way. For me what this looks like is living with a strong creative presence yet it’s the thing that gets left out of my life first when I get busy. It’s the element of myself that I have the courage to share with very few people, and how funny is that when it’s such a critical part of me?
The other bit about personal fulfillment is having the courage to live for yourself; as you should be. I watched a short video tonight about a little boy who realized at age 3 that he- who was born a she- did not identify with his gender. He cried about it as his parents struggled through whether it was just a “phase” or not. The struggle continued for a few years until the family realized what shame it caused him to live in a way that did not truly fulfill his sense of self. Controversial certainly, but they cut his hair, changed his clothes, sent out a letter to friends and family explaining the transformation and began referring to their little girl as a ‘he’. Then, and only then, did the transformation to self acceptance begin- at the age of six! What courage- to live everyday exactly as you are.