Blog neglect! I literally have 5 minutes to write this before I’m off on my next adventure. It’s been quite a time. Work is exhausting but how exhilarating to continuously fall in love with your job. I feel lucky. It’s ironic because it’s all that I’ve never been able to find in a partner but I think it’s because I have this standard in my mind and anything less would be a waste. Shouldn’t we fall in love with our spouses, our jobs, our lives, over and over and over?
I have a very close friend who recently made some massive changes in hers. It woke me up a little. She was brave about it. She recognized that she no longer felt joy about her situation. She no longer took comfort in the familiar and she no longer felt peace with it and she changed it. How honest and brave is that?! It woke up a little when she had the courage to make the flip.
I live in fear. It’s not like being in the witness protection program or living in a country where you can’t walk the streets for fear of being raped or mugged. It’s a lot more first-world problems than that. It’s actually trivial when I think of it that way. I’ve become so concerned with my surroundings and so acutely aware of the reactions and perceptions of others (or so I think) that I am paralyzed by anxiety. I attempt to stand up in front of a room and I can’t because I have an anxiety attack. It feels like my throat is closing up and I can’t control my heart rate. It’s all consuming. It’s exhausting. It’s frustrating. It’s holding me back.
A couple weeks ago my boss called me into her office and told me to shut the door. I got a little nervous. She’s usually not very serious so I thought I was really in trouble. She told me they were looking for someone to represent the company and introduce new employees to the company by running regular orientation sessions and teaching them about their resources. She said when they mentioned the need for a facilitator she immediately put my name in, knowing I’d be perfect for the role. I’d expressed an interest in facilitating when we first met. I knew it was a drop in the bucket. I knew it would take time and I took comfort in that knowledge. I haven’t even been with this company for a year so I was willing to put my time in proving myself.
I’ve always wanted to teach but it was a far off dream. I am truly energized by teaching and I’ve lost it. I’ve let my anxiety and my fear eat away at me and it’s consumed the joy these things bring me. My boss looked me in the eye and said “I want you to do this. I know you can. My money is on you. Take your time giving us an answer. Make sure it’s the right thing. I know you’d be amazing at this and I think it’s a massive opportunity”. I was in a daze. This is my dream job. It’s sitting right in my lap and I’m terrified. My brain tells me I can’t do it but there’s this little spirit in me that won’t listen. I know how it feels to get up in front of a room and lead it. I know how it feels to teach people and see them come alive with knowledge. It puts knots in my stomach.
I had to present to a large group today and I thought I was going to shake right out of my chair. I could hear the calm in my voice as I spoke. I could feel it wash over me. I could sense the joy I was getting from moving through the presentation, answering questions and engaging in discussion. I couldn’t get anything done the rest of the day because I was so filled with the energy and thrill. It truly hit me full force. I’ve stopped falling in love with my job and my life over and over again the way it should be. I’ve let fear stop me from doing that and it’s taken too much away.
I start training on September 9th to become a facilitator of orientation sessions at my company. I hope it’s just the beginning. It’s so cliche but today I realized I feel so alive again. Life is so incredible when you’re truly living it. I’m ready.