It feels like it’s been an age and a half since I’ve written and so many things have happened that I sat staring into nothing for a full five minutes just thinking about how to record it all in a semi-sane way. I guess I’ll roll this blog like a highlight reel.
The most humiliating of the moments I’ve had these past weeks came one lunch hour as I innocently stood amidst a crowd of other professionally dressed corporate lunchies as we clambered around the salad bar at my favourite grocery store, looking for a good spot next to the feta cheese or croutons. I leaned in- like wayyy in- to get a scoop of particularly delicious looking orzo salad when a woman tapped me on the shoulder. When I turned her face was closer to mine than I expected it to be and she had this sick look on her face that I couldn’t quite read all the way. I pulled out a head phone and she leaned in further, averting her eyes.
“You have a very large rip in the back of your dress. I really thought you should know. Er..I mean…I’d want to know” she said, and looked at me expectantly.
I did the only thing I could think to- I put my hands to my butt to feel for the offending tear. Sure enough, there it was. Enormous. I grabbed both sides and held it together like I thought doing so might actually fuse the fabric together again. I looked around helplessly noting the number of people in my vicinity who may or may not have been witness to the free show, and thought of all those I’d passed on my way to the grocery store on one of the busiest streets in Toronto. The horror.
After the stages of panic and horror progressed I had the presence of mind to remember I was wearing a blazer and removed it to tie around my waste 90’s style. Fresh Prince would have been so proud. I spent the remaining 30 minutes of my lunch hour power shopping for a replacement outfit with every sales associate in the store on the job. I had such tunnel vision that I forgot about a meeting I was supposed to lead and had to explain to everyone my very valid reason for having missed it. I swear, there are no such things as boring moments in my life.
Speaking of my life- there have been just lots of things going on (see above story) that have taken me away from my creative self. This is something I’ve talked about in previous posts that really seems to get to me. I get so caught up in crazy other life stuff that my priorities shift and before I know it I feel like a piece of driftwood 100 yards out in the ocean just kind of bumping along with the waves. I’m not sure why I think I can go without it.
Last weekend I visited my amazing friends in Bracebridge again and it’s like there’s just a different kind of energy up there. It feels much more free and uncomplicated. It feels like all the little special moments in one place. Does that make sense?
It’s like the quiet moments tucked away in a coffee shop people watching and drinking the best latte you’ve ever had (HIGHLY recommend the Diesel Cafe). It’s like the feeling I get when I sit down to write and something actually comes out. That place just has it, or I have it when I’m there and it reminds me what I keep letting go of. I think I’ve figured out that as long as I let my insecurities about my ability as a creative person, and my busy life get in the way I’m just someone I don’t fully recognize. It feels like pieces are missing but I’m not sure how to make them stick in place.
I am who? Sometimes, somehow I feel the absolute furthest I ever have from knowing, even though in that moment I’ve had the most time to get to know myself. There’s a philosophical ending for you.