I’ve written the beginning of about five different blog posts in the past week and I can’t seem to get past start. I get rolling along on what I think might be some profound thought or another and then I hit a brick wall and there it stops. I started to wonder if it’s the possibility of where it should or could go that’s tripping me up. I’m censoring myself by looking ahead to the point, or attempting to arrive at the outcome prematurely. It’s not working.
Huh. There’s a concept that sounds familiar. I keep thinking about what I SHOULD do with every action in my life. I find myself holding back my opinion; keeping my cards close until I can see more of where things land- and I worry. It’s like a tape on loop in my head. Brutal. Paralyzing. This is NOT how I saw myself kicking off 2013. This is not living.
During a discussion with a wise person in my life the other day it suddenly occurred to me that perspective plays a huge part here. I recognize that lots of where I put myself in life doesn’t leave much room for eccentricity which I think is what creativity and passion sometimes comes across looking like in this world. A little madness. The wise woman looked at me in disbelief when I voiced concern about what it must look like to the world around me. She said “Yeah well it also means you give a shit. You care and that’s a good thing”.
Well so there. The very point of it all is that it’s not necessarily cool or comfortable to care though. You get further by appearing uncaring or even aloof. Maybe it’s not about caring about a particular thing, it’s about caring what people think. It’s about letting that alter your path. How do you turn it off? Is there some sort of off switch I can buy? In all things I do I find myself looking outward so often that I both forget how to look inward and also wonder if there’s still a voice there. I have a list of a few improvements I want to make in 2013, but perhaps most notably it’s this: I want to listen to myself more and trust and respect that voice more than I do now. Somewhere along the way my confidence just slipped out from under me and scurried away. What’s that movie called? Something about ‘How Stella Got Her Groove Back”….yeah I’m going to do that but probably not by dating a man 20 years younger than me….because he would be four…