My page has been pret-ty quiet as of late and it’s funny because many of my fellow bloggers have been reporting similar situations. It’s as if August arrived, life kicked up it’s heels and took off at a strong gallop. I moved cities, jobs, and traded lives with a career woman in heels. I’m already so unlike the girl I was three weeks ago it’s unnerving. I wear button-down shirts and blazers. I have a swipe card and a cubicle and I take the subway everyday and I don’t hate any of it. How weird.
It’s a weird time. I’m trying to figure out what life is going to look like according to the directions I choose to take. I’m trying to carve some kind of path and it’s meant lots of moments of reflection and revelation and a couple of (gulp) grey hairs. I’m 23. What. The. Hell. When I was volunteering prior to the big move, a woman came in with the coolest haircut and I immediately blurted out my hair envy. The top part of the hair was grey and it was darker underneath and it looked amazing. Truly. She told me it took her a long time to embrace her sparkle but once she did, she decided to make the most of it and have some fun. I thought she was nutty. She went on to say that the grey is all in how you see it. Some women dye it and worry over it and comb out their hair in a part, searching for every last strand and yanking one by one (guilty!). Some women get cool haircuts and embrace the “sparkle”.
Huh. So it’s all in the outlook on things. It’s all in being who you are- embracing and loving it- and letting it shine a little. I can be on board with that. Let’s get real here though. This a metaphor we’re talking about. I plan to dye my hair until the day that I..ahem…die…and cover up those little sparklers in the process. BUT I can work on being myself each day and being okay with that. For me I think that would mean writing more, spending more time on my own being me AND with others. I think it would mean making new friends and letting the ones I have know they mean the world to me! It would mean doing what I’m doing now and working to prove who and what I’m capable of becoming.
I’ve been leaning on my comfort zone a little since I got this job. I’ve been tipping over the edge in so many directions and my heart races and my breathing speeds but I want to push past it. I don’t know when I first developed this horrible anxiety about things but it feels like a curse I can’t escape. If I could just be me I’d leave it behind. New employee orientation was a bit of a nightmare. “Partner up and interview one another then present your partner to your group!” the facilitator called out. Five minutes in, I knew my partner was from a brother company had 2 kids and drove a vespa to work everyday which cost him 8 bucks a week in gas. I started to relax. I told him about me and then I told the group about him. I was so relaxed by the end that I was cracking jokes and getting everyone laughing. I was totally at ease. The instructor called out “Now pick the best presenter from your group and have them share with the class!” and I looked around my group expectantly. They all stared at me. It’s like when you tell someone you really like their horribly ugly purse just to be nice, and they buy you one for your birthday. Payback. I got up there nervously and told the class about myself. I wanted the floor to swallow me up or at least my voice not to crack and reveal my nerves. I used to be the kid who’d get up in front of a room full of people and sing a song or tell a story. What happened? Somewhere along the way I became too afraid to be me out loud.