The Notebook

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Right now I am sitting in a coffee shop sipping a decaf latte made by potentially the world’s hottest barista, and I am enjoying my life. I feel different. I’ve said things before about being who I am and following my intuition and taking the time to love myself, but saying and living are different now aren’t they? I’ve discovered the living is different because I had to figure out how.

Today I left work and told them I had an appointment. I didn’t leave early but at my job on time is early, so this was a big step. From there, I drove myself over to the nearest nail salon and I spent a ridiculous amount of money to have my feet buffed, grated (I promise you the woman used a cheese grater), massaged and creamed like they’ve never been. I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz before she met the wizard. Right this moment my feet smell like some kind of wonderful cupcake and it’s fantastic!

After the nail salon I drove myself to the second happiest place on earth- the book store. I circled the aisles over and over because the book store for me is like a candy store to a five year old. I select and then I circle and circle until I’m absolutely positive I have what I want and sometimes change my mind fifty times. On my third tour I started noticing all the beautiful journals and writing books and thought about how impersonal technology has made my life. I love it for its convenience but it has taken the heart out of things for me. A guy no longer has to call, (or heaven forbid meet in person) to ask a girl out. A story can be written without ever having lifted a pen.

 So, in the true spirit of re-connecting I bought myself a journal and I’m filling its pages until they burst with new ideas. It’s kind of symbolic I guess. Without realizing it, I’ve adjusted my own margins and page lengths to be exactly what I thought they should be. When that wasn’t enough I took out the white-out and blurred out all the imperfect parts until a sliver of who I really am has come to remain. I wonder how many of my decisions in life are based in this little wonderland of fear. It cut off the circulation so that my creative self was no longer allowed to communicate with the rest of me and I became an unhappy shadow. I was afraid people would think I was too weird or too honest or too “out there” if I let myself be free about my creative expression. This incredible lost confusion enveloped me like a cloud of smoke I couldn’t seem to break free of.

The most comical part of it all was that at my very fingertips was the answer. I was dishing it out over coffee with my closest girlfriends, serving full scoops of advice Oprah-style, without ever stopping to listen. I complained that my own intuition had abandoned me in the midst of a crossroads in my life, leaving me floating (or maybe sinking) out into nothingness. The truth is, I buried my intuition so far beneath expectation, doubt, fear and heartache that I had to dig it out! I had to learn how to appreciate all the beautiful little things that come into my life because they’re all bits of the total picture that is well….moi! The people I meet, the places I go, the experiences I have- they all leave something with me. Until now, I didn’t realize that it’s up to me to do something great with it all. The tools are there but as the artist I’ve been failing to use them to my creative advantage.

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