So last weekend I had some pretty incredible moments and thank goodness they came along because I was starting to think I was so closed up I couldn’t have any anymore. Wow, that seems so much weirder when I write it out like that… I truly was starting to feel like a stress case, flitting from one panic moment to the next like some kind of anxiety junkie. The thing about that is that (at least for me) there’s no joy in it. All that worrying and all those moments of uncertainty kind of led me in a big loop of crazy. I felt like I was very purposely -and with speed- walking around in this loop and only when I think of myself jutting out my arms and marching ridiculously can I truly begin to grasp how insane it all is. I’m 23. I think I’m supposed to be like popping bottles in some club or bungee jumping or falling in love like every other week. Isn’t that what people my age do? Okay maybe not…but the point is what I’ve been doing hasn’t been working and last weekend my little creative heart came to life again.
First, I travelled two hours up north to visit a friend I have not seen in what felt like ages. She’d told me stories of her new life in this new place but I’d never seen her in her element. It was beautiful. She’s caught this artistic current and I saw through her art and truly just the peace on her face that she’s been changed and expanded by it. Letting creative expression overwhelm and spill out of you like that is so brave. I found myself wondering if I could ever find that in me.
My friend introduced me to others within her community that were channeling their own creative energy and they all did it in such interestingly
different ways that I felt like I was standing in the middle of a tidal wave trying to soak it all in like a sponge and let it wash away all the rough edges I’d let myself build up over time. The truth is I’ve become so unsatisfied with my situation because I’ve been trying to fit myself within some kind of life that isn’t me. We all end up in jobs we don’t see ourselves in forever or committed to obligations we wish we hadn’t, but it’s when those things define us that the problem truly begins.
Somewhere amidst the paintings, native art and iron work, I felt filled to the brim with something that had been so buried within me I thought it didn’t exist anymore. It made me feel all warm and gooey like a marshmallow slow roasting over an open fire. At one of the galleries I stopped and spoke to this woman with the kindest eyes. She was one of those warm, thoughtful people you could stand and talk to all day. In the middle of our conversation she said “What do you do? When you were talking just now you were positively glowing”. I can’t remember the last time someone told me I’d glowed over anything…That strikes me as one of the highest compliments a person could give.
So, I’ve made it my mission to find my creativity and drag it back into my life because without it I’m not who I want to be. I’m unrecognizable. I went directly to an art store when I got home and bought myself a set of watercolour paints and paintbrushes and vowed to learn to paint with a little creative experimentation and some eventual art classes. I’m not positive, but I think I just got my groove back.
The friend who so inspired me with her own artistic talents and brave creative expression can be found at http://blueheronwrites.com/ I highly recommend!